You noticed someone react to your Core Need or Request (or anything you said in general) in a way you didn’t intend, and you want to check if they’re understanding what you really mean

• How to use

  1. Ask them what they think you meant
     • e.g. “What do you think I meant when I said that?”
  2. Watch & listen to their reaction
     • If their reaction is different from what you intended, then
       1. Thank them for telling you
          • Remove

            • Assertions

              These imply wrongness or rejection, which creates defensiveness

              • “That’s not what I said/meant”
              • “No! I meant (this)”
          • Master

            • Gratitude

              These tell them you’re okay with honesty

              • “Thank you for telling me that’s what you heard”
              • “Thanks for letting me know that’s what you thought”
       2. Ask them if you can try again
          • Master

            • Adjustments

              These tell them you’re willing to take the responsibility to change and reach a positive outcome

              • “I don’t think I said it very clearly. Can I try again?”
              • “I think the way I said that didn’t communicate what I meant. Is it okay if I try again?”
       3. Say your Core Need or Request again, with a calm voice tone
       4. Repeat this skill from step 1
     • If their reaction matches what you intended, then you’re done
  3. Now they understand your Core Need or Request

  <aside> 💡 From here, depending on what you did and what you want to do next, you can continue to

  • Making Effective Requests
  • Expressing Gratitude
  • Connect deeper by talking about more Situations </aside>

• How to train

  • Share a Pure Emotion, Core Need, or Request with someone right now
    1. Notice how they react
    2. If you think their reaction is uncomfortable, then use this skill
  • Notice when one of your parents/friends/schoolmates/teachers/etc reacted uncomfortably after you shared the Pure Emotion, Core Need, or Effective Request (whether it was now, or a long time ago), then use this skill
    • If the situation is now, then
      1. Start with Using Observations
         • e.g. “When I said (), I noticed you ()”
      2. Use this skill
    • If the situation was a long enough time ago, then you can start with “Remember when I said ()…”
      1. If they don’t remember, then help them figure out which time you’re talking about
      2. Once they remember, then use this skill to understand what happened
  • Notice when any person reacted in a way you didn’t intend after you shared your Pure Emotion, Core Need, or Effective Request, then use this skill

• Leveling up

  Your level is equal to the total number of checkboxes below that you can do in 80%+ of situations

  • Being able to quickly Confirm Interpretations in any situation with
    • [ ] Family
    • [ ] Friends
    • [ ] 2nd degree connections (friends of family, friends of friends, etc)
    • [ ] Totally new people
    • [ ] Authorities (parents, teachers, police, etc)

Core Skills

1. Using Observations
2. Expressing Pure Emotions
3. Sharing Core Needs
4. Creating Strategies
5. Making Effective Requests

Advanced Skills

1. Confirming Interpretations
2. Recognizing Needs
3. Expressing Gratitude
4. Receiving Gratitude

All CNC Skills

1. Using Observations
2. Expressing Pure Emotions
3. Sharing Core Needs
4. Creating Strategies
5. Making Effective Requests
6. Recognizing Needs
7. Confirming Interpretations
8. Expressing Gratitude
9. Receiving Gratitude